The couple arrived at our house 5 minutes late for their marriage coaching session. Apologizing as they made their way to the couch, we could see the tenseness mixed with formal politeness in their body language. We all sat down, began the meeting with prayer, and got down to business.
Usually the wife starts pleading her case to us and Debbie and I listen and take a couple notes. Next we heard what the husband had to say with as much frustration as his wife voiced. It was clear this hurting couple had tried everything up to this point to resolve the seemingly unsolvable problem that brought them to this marriage impasse. They could not have a conversation without getting into a fight.
We explained our specific communication model to them and asked them to try it right there with us guiding. This was a new way for them to have a conversation and it takes most couples a few tries to be at ease with it. Forty minutes later into the conversation using the new model the husband interrupts his wife and says “is that all?!…that’s no problem; I understand what you were saying now, I thought you meant something else. ” (True story)
Most couples take longer to clear the air and agree on the best option for them going forward. Our communication model breaks through the road blocks and eliminates the emotional intensity from the discussions and breaks through the wall that stops the conversation. This penetration gets to the place where the message is received, heard, and understood. It still amazes to us to see how the couples begin to work together again on a common goal after learning how to use our communication model.
The initial step is to create a safe environment where a successful conversation can take place. There are a couple of pieces to this – first is to be sure it is a good time for both of you, if one has just walked in the door from work, or is in the middle of cooking dinner, that may not be the best time to have the conversation. Agree to when you will talk, if not now then when? If you set a time be sure there will be no other distractions.
Second is to come with an open mind – you are working through an issue with your spouse, this is not a competition. You do not want to have the mindset of winning, but to come with the desire to understand your spouse and to work towards a mutual agreement.
The third important step is to listen. There are so many arguments that are caused needlessly because something was misunderstood through not listening. The person was concentrating on making their next point, instead of paying attention to what was being said, therefore missing the message.
This is just how you set the stage to have a conversation. Our process is so easy and effective couples have incorporated it into their lives at work and home, becoming experts at problem solving. Do not continue a minute longer to beat your head against the wall and get nowhere but use our couple’s proven communication model to break through your communication issues.
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